Today is my first month wedding anniversary (yes we are celebrating with boxed wine, frozen pizza, and Lilo and Stitch... don't judge!) and five months since my brother left Here. Five long, excruciating months. It feels like a lifetime and that terrifies me--if only a few months feels like a torturous lifetime, how on earth am I supposed to endure the next 60 years (if I'm lucky)? Some say "time has gone by so fast" or "it feels like only yesterday." Those of us unfortunate enough to lose a loved one in a tragic sort of way (or any loved one for that matter) will tell you, no... it does not feel like yesterday. Each day is a lifetime, each day is a struggle... But you get through because you know your loved one would want you to.
So in celebration of this bittersweet day, here are two doodles and haikus for you--one is bitter and one is sweet just like the day.
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From the date, you can see I didn't create this today... This was back when I first started writing haikus to try and get through the stress of watching my brother go through cancer treatment and it has proved to be quite fruitful.
Love is a fickle, funny thing. In some ways it imprisons us. We are now bound to be with one person for the rest of our lives. We are not always free to roam the world or do exactly what we want all the time. It's about sacrifice and negotiation. Love binds us and makes us want to grow roots instead of wings... But love also sets us free. We are able to be ourselves with not a worry in the world. We have a place to call home and someone to share our experiences, fears, and dreams with. I love love. I love the man I am in love with. I love me. I love my life (most of the time). And I love this happy prison I have come to make into my happy home.
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I'll be honest (plus you can tell from the date), I did not create this today either but it so beautifully captures how I have chosen to cope with the tragically early death of my brother.
On May the Fourth [Be With You], I was watching Star Wars and in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is talking about the Force and life and at one point he says the words:
Luminous beings are we... Not this crude matter!
And it was like a light going off in my mind. I was so angry and bitter about Jed's death less than a month before. I felt as if he had been cheated (and in a way I still do) but these words somehow made the blow to my heart a bit more bearable. We are not just our bodies. It's like that quote from C.S. Lewis: You are not a body with a soul. You are a soul with a body. Jed was not his long, skinny, olive toned body that had once been so strong only to be ravaged by chemotherapy. Yes, his body was gone, but his spirit--that luminous aspect of who he is--was still here, surrounding us with his love. This shell that we bumble through this world in is just that--a shell. It is what moves that shell and makes it think and feel that matters. We are all luminous beings... Jed just realized his true form long before my parents or I could. Someone as kind and good as him would become luminous before me!
It is my hope that this haiku and the wisdom from Master Yoda comforts the hearts of anyone grieving someone they have lost. In the darkest part of my life, it was a light that reached out and saved me... even if just a little bit.
a.r.w.
P.S. For those of you disappointed that I didn't create anything today, here is a haiku I wrote walking home from work today where the dirt is just littered with beer bottles:
Shards of glass 'neath me
Like a path made of starlight
Wherever I go
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