Away

the day you went away

nothing could prepare me

for the day you went away.

i saw the writing on the wall

yet still begged you to stay.

"please don't leave me all alone.

don't make me journey on

through this life's endless hopes and fears

after you've already gone."

a battle was bravely fought

and won... and lost.

and in our deep heartbreak

into a new world we were forced to cross.

i stood all alone

in a sea of doubt.

if there was no hope to be had

what was this life all about?

i wandered through my days

suddenly lost and unfeeling,

not an end at all in sight.

no chance of ever healing.

i had lost my dear sweet brother--

my long lost forgotten half.

now the silenced shared laughter

in the old photograph.

so far away.

so lost and alone.

no one could save me.

my heart turned to stone.

i still look back

on the day you went away.

i call out, "why, god? why?"

but won't hear what he has to say.

i find my comfort

in the stars above.

though distant, their light still shines

just like our shared love.

i don't need solutions

or answers to why.

all i need to do

is look up to the sky.

"i am not gone,"

a voice whispers to me.

"i am everywhere now.

oh, why can't you see?

"even as the sun shines,

the stars are still there.

let their light remind you

how much i still care.

"so continue through life--

see what lies in store.

i'll be There waiting for you

when you walk through the door."

nothing could prepare me

for the day you went away.

but as i sit and close my eyes,

loud and clear, i hear you say,

"don't worry about me!

i promise i'm fine.

we'll be together again, i swear.

but while you wait in the meantime

"take the love i gave to you;

here's the gift that i bestow:

share my love with those around you.

stand back and watch it grow!

"this is all i have to give--

this is my gift to you.

i hope it makes you smile

and will help others, too."

a piece of my heart

followed you that day.

but it seems a piece of yours, too,

decided that it would stay.

this life isn't easy.

my world is a mess.

but you were Here for a short while...

so it was blessed, nonetheless.

a.r.w.

Phone

It's a very special phone book. I can't tell you where I got it or who gave it to me. All I know is one day it was in my hand. 

As I flipped through its pages, it took me a moment before I realized that I recognized each of the names written in a simple, neat script. But they weren't the names of my friends... Each of these people had died. All that was written in the phone book was their name and a phone number, each one different--specific just for them. 

I could call my best friend who died suddenly when I was nine. Or my grandfather who had only just died a few years ago. 

The phone book frightened me at first but then one day when I came home from school to learn that my parents were separating, I finally decided to dial one of the numbers in the book. 

The phone rang and rang and rang. And just when I thought I would get the operator, someone picked up. My grandmother. 

Don't ask me how I knew it was her. I just do. It was something in my soul. 

After that, I found myself using the phone book to call family and friends I had lost too soon. 

For months the phone book was mine--all mine--until I learned that my friend's little brother had just passed away after being diagnosed with cancer. 

I ran to their house as quick as I could and was engulfed in the suffocating grief. I spent the afternoon with the family, cooking dinner for them, doing their laundry, and offering hugs when I could. 

As I went to leave for the night, something made me stop and turn back to my friend's mom. 

"I-" I started but stopped, wondering what they would think of me. The feeling of the phone book in my bag hung down on me, weighing me down. This was something I could not keep from them--the power of the phone book needed to be shared. "I think I know of a way to talk with Julian."

My friend's dad who was a bit old fashioned, scowled at me. "Our son is in heaven," he informed me. "We won't be able to speak with him again until we join him."

"You're wrong." I knew there could have been a better way to handle the situation but I didn't want his beliefs to get in the way of his wife and daughter talking to Julian again. This phone book had been a precious gift to me and I knew it would bless them just as much as it had blessed me. "There is a way," I declared, pulling the phone book out of my bag. 

"A notebook?" My friend shook her head, clearly confused. 

"A phone book," I corrected her before opening it and flipping through it. "It has the name of every person I've ever known who passed away--my friend Katie, my grandparents, Brad from school..." My voice drifted off as I came to the final and newest name in the book. "And Julian," I whispered, placing the book in his mother's hands. 

She stared down at the name and the assigned number beside it, trembling. 

"How?" She looked up to me for answers though I had none to give. 

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know. But I do know that it works. I've talked to everyone in here. But I think you should be the one to talk with Julian."

"It's witchcraft!" My friend's dad shouted, trying to rip the book from his wife's hands. 

"It's not witchcraft," I tried to defend though I knew how difficult that might be to believe. "If you don't believe me, try it--call him."

"I think you should leave."

"I want to try."

We all turned to look and see my friend's mom with her phone in her hand, the number already dialed. 

"Claire," her husband tried to stop her.

She just shook her head. "I have to try," she whispered as she pressed CALL. 

We all stood in silence, waiting to see what would happened. The family was about to give up but I knew it took seven rings before they picked up and as my friend's mom let out a gasp, I knew it had worked. 

"Julian?" Her voice was light and airy but her eyes were wide open as she spun around to look at me. I gave a smile, urging her to go on. She slowly turned and whispered, "Julian, it's mommy..."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Six years ago today we got a phone call telling us that my dad's dad had just died. Almost eight months ago, my brother joined him over There. Death is a strange thing...

Julian was the name of a young boy also in Roswell while Jed was there. The doctors sent him home to die, giving him just 100 days to live... That was last August. 

Today's writing prompt was "a ringing phone"... I wish I had a phone book to call each of them and just sit and talk. So many talks I took for granted...

a.r.w.

Notes

missing you each day

gentle music notes make me

miss you even more

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I went to church for the first time today since Jed died. Needless to say, it did not go too well... But we got a poem out of it so that's a plus. 

a.r.w.

Beginning

a small beginning

all the forest can be found

in just an acorn

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

Here is a haiku for Jed. It is always at night that I relive that terrible day in New York but I try to focus on what came from you and your life and not how sad I am that it was cut so tragically short.

 

a.r.w.

Tears

i think of you and

my tears start watering the

flowers of my soul

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

At least that's what I tell myself on days like this... Definitely my hardest day since arriving in Russia and I am ready to head home where I know my tears and grief can begin to be understood.

 

a.r.w.

Fulfill

step into the light

guide my hands and be my voice

fulfill your own dreams

2006, 2009, 2012

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

So it's been made official--Adam and I are leaving Russia two weeks from tomorrow and returning to the US of A for a few months. I admit, my soul is a bit relieved to be returning to my family for our first Christmas season without Jed here. But there is another reason why I am anxious to get home...

 



I find myself returning to the stage once more and not under the best circumstances. There is a precious and beautiful show that the Ghostlight Theatre puts on every three years at this time called All Through the Night. Jed had been a part of it for the last nine years--first as the little boy, Wally, and then twice as the older boy, John. But his dream, ever since he played Wally, was to get to play the college kid, Neil. This year was going to be his year. His goal after surgery was to be strong enough to finally take the stage as Neil.

We all know that he never got his wish... so it's been decided that I will be filling in his place as his understudy. It will be hard... but it will be good. I hope to make Jed proud and hope that he helps me (and the rest of the cast) through this because it will definitely be a tough, emotional ride.

a.r.w.

Touch

All Hallow's Eve. Samhain. Halloween.

Call it what you like but once you cross over from Here to There, it's the biggest day of the year--the one you look forward to the most. The day when the World of the Living and the World of the Dead--Here and There--touch for just a few short hours. It's the day when the veil is thin; the door is wide open.

Don't get me wrong! I journey back and forth all the time... usually when you're asleep though. I like to check in, see that everything's okay... see that you're okay. But it's hard to get your attention. A puff of smoke in the corner of your eye or a yellow bird. You hear me calling to you but then tell yourself that you were just imagining it. You dream of me... but your memory is foggy. But tonight--Halloween night--you're thinking of me, all of us... the dead. Your eyes are on me, waiting, wondering if you'll see me or hear me. It's easy to reach out to you when you're looking for me.

I've got to go! The door between Here and There has been open for a few hours now and I have a long list of people I want to get to see today...

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

A very Happy Halloween to you all! At last! The greatest day of the year has arrived and I hope you all manage to have a magical, spooky time today with family and friends and a few monsters too...

 

I was originally going to try to write a scary story for today, but then I got thinking about what Halloween is all about, how it all started. This is the day that the veil between the world of the living and the dead is at it's thinnest. You don't know who--or what--you are passing down the street on this day. Those amazing costumes you see? They might be a bit more real than you imagined. Here and There is touching today, the door is wide open, and there's no knowing who you'll bump into today!

 

I was wondering what There does to celebrate this day (imagine all of the different customs and cultures collected from all the diverse people over There!) and I imagined that it is one of the busiest days of the year for them. They don't have to sneak into your dreams to visit you. They can come to you head on, because that is what Halloween is all about. You all know who I'm waiting for... May you all be visited by someone you love today, get a little spooked, and eat your weight in candy.

 

Happy Halloween!!

 

a.r.w.

Waves

even though you're gone

we can still feel your touch Here

you're making waves, kid

*~*~*~*~*~*

As I was washing the dishes, I had a "what the f*** happened?" moment. I think back to my life a year ago--two years ago--and it feels like both another lifetime and just a moment ago. One minute Jed was Here and the next **clap** he was There (his words, not mine). It's just so strange to still be living, day to day, doing both mundane things like grocery shopping and extraordinary things like trips to Disney or hiking through the Himalayas, knowing that he will never do these things with me again... and somehow I'm supposed to keep on going as if that doesn't mess with my head immensely.

But then I saw an article written about Jed and the new sarcoma research being done at Roswell Cancer Institute. Because of him and the amazing amount of community support with Red for Jed, the doctors at Roswell decided to take a grant and put their efforts into researching and hopefully destroying sarcoma once and for all. I stand in awe of my little brother. Even six months after leaving Here, he is still impacting our community and the pediatric cancer community in such profound ways.

Nice work, dude... I'm so proud to be your sisso... Always and forever... To infinity and BEYOND!! 56 days... ;-)

a.r.w.

The Gift

When stars are born

 

They possess a gift or two…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

There is an old Serbian proverb that says, Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of stars. We are the very best of both worlds. Star dust makes up our very beings--star dust from millions and billions of years ago, connecting us to the very universe that surrounds. If that is not a magnificent thought, then I don't know what is.

 

Today's doodle was created from inspiration by a great number of different things throughout the day.

 

The first was listening to the music from the Disney firework show "Wishes" which starts with the very famous and oh so beloved saying, "When stars are born, they possess a gift or two... One of them is this: They have the power to make a wish come true." Immediately I thought to the precious brother I BEGGED my parents for. I wanted nothing more than to be a big sister... and my wish was granted with Jed. He has given me the greatest relationship I have ever seen between a brother and a sister, a lifetime of memories, years of laughter, and an incredible friend. I miss my brother--my star--every single day (today is one of those rough days if you can't tell...) but I am so grateful for him for making my wish come true and making my life so much brighter.

 

Another inspiration from today was a post I saw online that was between two stars talking to one another saying, "Being a human was the hardest thing I ever had to do." "Same here." My breath was taken away by that thought.  This is the hard part of life--the tears, the pain, the sickness--but that will make the joyful reunion and happy eternity over There all the sweeter. Jed has become that shining star once more, illuminating my world that has turned a bit too dark for my liking lately.

 

I think back to that beautiful quote from Star Wars: Luminous beings are we... not this crude matter. It seems to be a similar idea--across cultures--that once we make it through this part of life and travel from Here to There, life gets brighter... as do we...

 

From stars we came from and to stars we will return.

 

a.r.w.

Hold Me

strings hold me togeth’r

to keep me from falling ‘part

they’re made of barbed wire

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I had a rough time today missing Jed. I'm not sure what sparked it... and honestly, I don't think I ever do. It's hard to always smile and laugh for everyone around you when all you want to do is collapse. I overestimated myself, I think. This is harder than I could have ever imagined.

 

Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

 

a.r.w.

Sow

*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Six months. It seems impossible, but somehow I have managed to continue living six months after my baby brother breathed his last breath. There were moments and even days when I didn't want to... Why would I want to live another 50 years with this pain and grief--this massive hole in my heart that could never possible begin to be filled? But somehow, I've managed... Because I know Jed wants me to.

 

Again, I use the present tense for a very special reason--because Jed is still with me, trying to help me, guide me, and comfort me even though I can't see him. And he shows himself to me in signs (you can scoff if you want... But those who have gone through any kind of deep, painful loss will know that our loved ones never leave us alone and are always reaching out to us in little ways that prick our hearts).

 

When people think of Jed, they might think of the color red (Red for Jed) or balloons or even feathers. When I think of him, I instantly think of acorns.

 

When he was a little boy, we gave Jed an acorn to help him overcome his fear of going to school. Again, we gave him an acorn the night before his surgery to give him courage--because mighty oaks from tiny acorns grow. It gave him the courage to walk into surgery and it gave him courage through the next two days where he fought frantically for his life... and he died with that damned acorn clutched tightly in his hand... I still have it.

 

So for me, it's an acorn.

 

I've permanently put an acorn on my body, hidden behind my ear. My early love for Peter Pan and the "kiss" he gives to Wendy soon became painfully ironic when I got my own hidden kiss the day Jed and I were supposed to go and get tattoos together.

 

 

Wherever I go, I search for acorns. Is it a sign from Jed? Not necessarily. But the minute I see one, I think of him and in my thoughts, he is there with me and sometimes that is enough.

 

On my honeymoon and in Russia

 

But sometimes, I do think it is a sign... like today.

 

After a rough day (the 8th will always be hard), and just ten minutes after I had painted these three acorns in memory of Jed, I was walking back to work. As I was walking, something orange caught my eye. It was a plastic acorn lying on the sidewalk. I stopped, turned around, and went back to pick it up. To me, THAT was a message from Jed. I've walked back and forth along that path for almost a month and a half now and never have I seen anything other than broken bottles and cigarette butts. Here, six months (almost to the minute) after Jed's passing from Here to There, and just a few minutes after I painted these acorns, I happen to walk directly over this plastic orange (Jed's favorite color) acorn.

 

I'm not a real believer in "You reap what you sow." Jed sowed so much good and got screwed over in my not so humble opinion. But it got me thinking today...

An acorn is a seed that can be sowed to make a mighty oak. Jed was that acorn. He never did become that mighty oak (Life never even gave him the chance). But he sowed and sowed and sowed GOOD into people. And if you sow enough, soon you can bring in a bountiful harvest. I think the good that Jed sowed in his laughter, his kindness, his goofiness, and his epic determination and stamina will be the greatest harvest any of us will ever have the privilege to see. For years--as long as people think of Jed, say his name, and remember how he made them feel--that harvest will continue to come in and the forest of mighty oaks that he planted in each of our hearts will continue to spread and grow.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn."  Jed was that little acorn. And we are his forest.

a.r.w.

 

 



Drunken Dreams

drunken dreams have i

just to see your face again,

is that what it takes?

*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Last night I had my first dream about Jed since I got married. Before then, I didn't have them too often but often enough to help me through the days, weeks, and months that passed after April 8th. I could tell the difference between regular dreams and visits where I know Jed sought me out to talk to me and spend time with me. But after I got married, not once did I see, hear, or feel Jed in any of my dreams.

 

Until last night.

 

It was short and he was there for only a moment. Piff the Magic Dragon (yes, from America's Got Talent) was doing a show for us and Jed was sitting in a chair beside me, his bald head covered in his blue knit cap I bought him (that's almost always how I see him). All I did was look over at him and ask him, "You really liked him, didn't you?" It was short and sweet and all I needed.

 

I started thinking why it was that I dreamt of Jed last night after all these weeks. What changed? What happened? I don't think it was a visit, just a regular dream where I got to see his face once more. After I thought about it, I came to the realization that I went to bed a bit tipsy last night (it was our teacher's day celebration at work and we had wine, laser tag, Georgian food, and more wine).

 

After Jed's death, I spent the next four months in a drunken haze. Not a day went by that I didn't drink alcohol at one point and many times I would polish off a bottle or two a night by myself. I'm not proud of that fact, but it helped to numb the pain a bit and at that point I didn't care what would be considered right or wrong... all I cared about was getting myself through the day. And in those drunken days, I dreamt of my brother so much more than my sober moments.

 

I'm not saying I'll return to my days of drinking heavily (at least not on a regular basis) but I do miss my dreams with my baby bro bro... so it was nice to have a quick chance to see his face again... even if it was just in my dreams...

 

a.r.w.

Beautiful

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I like to think of the Earth as a phoenix at this time of year. Everything bursts into a colorful, beautiful blaze just before it dies... much like the phoenix bursts into flames before being reborn from the ashes.

 

Autumn shows me that death is not quite as scary as we sometimes think it is. It shows me that there can be such a thing as a beautiful death. Death is not a glamorous thing. It is messy, scary, and traumatizing to witness. At the very surface of it all, beautiful seems like the very last thing it would be.

 

I think what makes death beautiful is when someone's life is beautiful. My brother's death was not a beautiful, peaceful, "slip away" sort of death. As my mom says, "He went out swinging." I would not consider Jed's death to be beautiful... but goodness gracious his life was a  masterpiece. He lived life with such a fire and his desire to live life to the fullest, all the way to the very end, is both admirable and beautiful.

 

What Jed's death showed me was that death has the potential to be beautiful but what's even more beautiful is the life you lived and how you live on even after death in the hearts and minds of those that you managed to touch while on this planet. 

 

I'm always dazzled by this time of year--a beautiful transition from life to death. And while I, too, am in a transitional phase in my life, this season is taking on a whole new meaning for me. It's a beautiful time of year and it shows me that beauty can be found in the most unlikely of places--such as loss, tragedy, and even death.

I was playing with my watercolors and decided to try something from kindergarten. These are trees made from blowing air through a straw. I love how they turned out! Each one is unique! Give it a try--it's super easy and fun.

Only 28 days until Halloween!

a.r.w.

∞

The 8th of every month will always be bittersweet for me and the rest of my family. Bitter because on April 8th, my little brother, Jed, traveled from Here to There and left us with confusion and broken hearts. Sweet because only four months later on August 8th, I married my best friend in my favorite corner of the world surrounded by my family. It's like Life wanted to show us just how it can be--one minute you are crying in pain and the next you are crying in joy.

Today is my first month wedding anniversary (yes we are celebrating with boxed wine, frozen pizza, and Lilo and Stitch... don't judge!) and five months since my brother left Here. Five long, excruciating months. It feels like a lifetime and that terrifies me--if only a few months feels like a torturous lifetime, how on earth am I supposed to endure the next 60 years (if I'm lucky)? Some say "time has gone by so fast" or "it feels like only yesterday." Those of us unfortunate enough to lose a loved one in a tragic sort of way (or any loved one for that matter) will tell you, no... it does not feel like yesterday. Each day is a lifetime, each day is a struggle... But you get through because you know your loved one would want you to.

So in celebration of this bittersweet day, here are two doodles and haikus for you--one is bitter and one is sweet just like the day.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

From the date, you can see I didn't create this today... This was back when I first started writing haikus to try and get through the stress of watching my brother go through cancer treatment and it has proved to be quite fruitful.

 

Love is a fickle, funny thing. In some ways it imprisons us. We are now bound to be with one person for the rest of our lives. We are not always free to roam the world or do exactly what we want all the time. It's about sacrifice and negotiation. Love binds us and makes us want to grow roots instead of wings... But love also sets us free. We are able to be ourselves with not a worry in the world. We have a place to call home and someone to share our experiences, fears, and dreams with. I love love. I love the man I am in love with. I love me. I love my life (most of the time). And I love this happy prison I have come to make into my happy home.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

I'll be honest (plus you can tell from the date), I did not create this today either but it so beautifully captures how I have chosen to cope with the tragically early death of my brother.

 

On May the Fourth [Be With You], I was watching Star Wars and in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is talking about the Force and life and at one point he says the words:

 

Luminous beings are we... Not this crude matter!

 

And it was like a light going off in my mind. I was so angry and bitter about Jed's death less than a month before. I felt as if he had been cheated (and in a way I still do) but these words somehow made the blow to my heart a bit more bearable. We are not just our bodies. It's like that quote from C.S. Lewis: You are not a body with a soul. You are a soul with a body. Jed was not his long, skinny, olive toned body that had once been so strong only to be ravaged by chemotherapy. Yes, his body was gone, but his spirit--that luminous aspect of who he is--was still here, surrounding us with his love. This shell that we bumble through this world in is just that--a shell. It is what moves that shell and makes it think and feel that matters. We are all luminous beings... Jed just realized his true form long before my parents or I could. Someone as kind and good as him would become luminous before me!

 

It is my hope that this haiku and the wisdom from Master Yoda comforts the hearts of anyone grieving someone they have lost. In the darkest part of my life, it was a light that reached out and saved me... even if just a little bit.

 

a.r.w.

 

 

P.S. For those of you disappointed that I didn't create anything today, here is a haiku I wrote walking home from work today where the dirt is just littered with beer bottles:

 

Shards of glass 'neath me

Like a path made of starlight

Wherever I go

What He Found Out

His eyes fluttered open as he took in a raspy breath. It felt different, odd... as if the air he breathed could finally fill his entire body all the way down to his toes. It was powerful. Alive.

As he laid on his back, he tried to think to only a moment ago, on the other side of that last breath... but it was fuzzy. He could remember seeing his parents and his big sister standing in the hallway, crying, and the doctors gathered around him, shouting...

With a gasp, he pushed himself up, suddenly feeling panic rise up in his chest.

His chest.

Lifting his hand, he searched for a heartbeat and dropped his hand when he found nothing.

"Surprised?"

The voice cut through the boy's panicked silence, it's cool aloofness sending a chill down his spine.

Forcing himself to find any bit of courage inside of him, the boy turned to see who it was that was watching him.

Silhouetted in the deep blue glow of a doorway, a young man stood there, his arms clasped behind his back, donned in nothing but black. He was tall and lean, his jet black hair pulled away from his face to reveal a pair of ice blue eyes that continued to watch the boy, curiously.

"Who are you?"

The man's lips twitched at the boy's question.

Taking a step forward, he simply offered, "You may call me Lord Death."

"Death?" The boy's eyes grew wide at the sound of the word.

Lord Death glanced down at the boy, the corner of his mouth almost lifting up into a smile. "I'll repeat my first question--are you surprised?"

"But," the boy stumbled over his thoughts, trying desperately to understand what was happening. "But this wasn't--"

"Supposed to happen?" Death finished his thought for him. "You'd be surprised with how many people say that."

The boy wasn't listening to the dark man standing before him; he was looking around, desperately searching for something--the truth... or perhaps an escape.

"I was supposed to make it," he muttered to himself. "The doctor said I was going to be okay." His thoughts came to him faster than he could say them. "I wanted to be a dad... I wanted to grow old."

Lord Death scoffed at his words. "Growing old is vastly overrated, my boy."

After a moment of watching the young boy continue to panic, Lord Death took him by his shoulders and forced him to listen. "See here, boy. It is not the length of your life that counts, but the depth."

"What?" The boy tried desperately to let the man's words anchor him to the here and now... only, he didn't know where "here" was.

"I have watched you live and grow all these years and I can assure you that you have lived a full life."

"But I'm only nineteen!"

"And in just nineteen years, you managed to do more than most ninety year old men I welcome here."

Seeing the boy had calmed down a bit, Death released him and took a step back. "You've lived not a long life but a deep one." He paused for a moment before adding, "And that is far more meaningful."

The boy remained silent, his thoughts a mystery to the lord for only a moment.

"What about my family?" His words surprised Death. "My sister?"

Lord Death smiled at the boy's concern. "They will be just fine," he assured. "And when it is their turn to come here, we can meet them together."

"How long will that be?" 

There was something in Lord Death's smile that he didn't particularly like--didn't trust--but he forced himself to forget his doubts. At the moment, Lord Death was the only person he had in this place and the man had given him no reason to fear him or his words.

"Sadly," Death declared, "I cannot tell you that right now. But, I promise, it will be within the blink of an eye for you. For you see," he leaned in to whisper, "we are not trapped by the human's idea of time here."

Here.

From his first breath he had known that there was something special about this place... and "this place" was certainly nothing like he had ever known.

His eyes were slowly beginning to adjust to the world around him--it was no longer complete darkness. He was beginning to see the hint of shadows and the dim glow of lights in the distance.

Turning to look back to Lord Death, he asked nervously, "Where exactly is 'here'?"

The man threw his head back and laughed. "So sorry, my boy!" Putting his arm around the boy's shoulders, Lord Death smiled down at him through the darkness and confirmed the boy's thoughts and fears with a nonchalant smile. "This is the World of the Dead... Welcome to the Betwixt."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I do daily writing prompts in the fall to get me prepped for NaNoWriMo and today's was "What he found out."

 

I've found that a lot of my writing, whether it is a haiku or a short story have to do with death and dying and what comes Next. I'm currently working on a big writing project about the world of the Betwixt and what happens when a living human girl arrives in the world of the dead. The story focuses on her and her relationship with Lord Death but there is another character in this story that is very near and dear to my heart. Jed is a character in this story, our main character's little brother and Lord Death's second in command (he was given that position because of how full his life was when he died). This is a snippet that doesn't happen in the storyline but I wanted to share with you "what he found out" the moment he arrived in the Betwixt.

 

It's the quality of life, not the quantity. It's the depth, not the length.

 

a.r.w.

Feathers

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There are several things in life that still make me think of Jed (my little brother). Acorns are the first thing. And then red balloons. And also feathers.

 

I've always known that there are very special people in this world who might be more in tune with things around them--both seen and unseen. I am lucky enough to have several people such as this in my life--each of them have sought me and my family out to tell us of their experiences they have had with Jed since he journeyed from Here to There. One of them in particular gave our family a message from Jed that seemed a bit out of the ordinary. Aside from him calming our fears about his final moments Here, he also told us to look for him in feathers.

 

I honestly had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Acorns? Yes! Balloons? Sure! But feathers? I just couldn't connect the dots... but sometimes things don't need to make sense to have them touch our hearts.

 

Shortly after that initial message of "Look for me in feathers," my dad and I spotted a feather float down over Tonawanda High School's graduating class of 2015 where we were presenting a scholarship in Jed's honor. My cousin found a feather on the conveyer belt where she worked at Fed Ex. I found a feather at Prince Charming's Carousel in the Magic Kingdom just after the fireworks on my honeymoon. And my first day in my new apartment here in Siberia, there was a little feather in my kitchen, just sitting on my windowsill, welcoming me to my new home.

 

You can believe what you want, but the feathers do not lie... and each time I see one whether it's exactly where it belongs--out in the open beneath a bird's nest--or surprisingly not where it belongs--like on a conveyer belt in Fed Ex--I think of my brother fondly and I know that he is nearby, letting me know that he is okay and he wants me to be happy.

 

I choose to believe that Jed is a strong spirit, constantly reaching out from There, inspiring me, watching out for me, and making sure to never let me forget that even though I can't physically see him right now, he is still right here, waiting to see me smile when my eyes fall on a feather.

 

 

a.r.w.