Away

the day you went away

nothing could prepare me

for the day you went away.

i saw the writing on the wall

yet still begged you to stay.

"please don't leave me all alone.

don't make me journey on

through this life's endless hopes and fears

after you've already gone."

a battle was bravely fought

and won... and lost.

and in our deep heartbreak

into a new world we were forced to cross.

i stood all alone

in a sea of doubt.

if there was no hope to be had

what was this life all about?

i wandered through my days

suddenly lost and unfeeling,

not an end at all in sight.

no chance of ever healing.

i had lost my dear sweet brother--

my long lost forgotten half.

now the silenced shared laughter

in the old photograph.

so far away.

so lost and alone.

no one could save me.

my heart turned to stone.

i still look back

on the day you went away.

i call out, "why, god? why?"

but won't hear what he has to say.

i find my comfort

in the stars above.

though distant, their light still shines

just like our shared love.

i don't need solutions

or answers to why.

all i need to do

is look up to the sky.

"i am not gone,"

a voice whispers to me.

"i am everywhere now.

oh, why can't you see?

"even as the sun shines,

the stars are still there.

let their light remind you

how much i still care.

"so continue through life--

see what lies in store.

i'll be There waiting for you

when you walk through the door."

nothing could prepare me

for the day you went away.

but as i sit and close my eyes,

loud and clear, i hear you say,

"don't worry about me!

i promise i'm fine.

we'll be together again, i swear.

but while you wait in the meantime

"take the love i gave to you;

here's the gift that i bestow:

share my love with those around you.

stand back and watch it grow!

"this is all i have to give--

this is my gift to you.

i hope it makes you smile

and will help others, too."

a piece of my heart

followed you that day.

but it seems a piece of yours, too,

decided that it would stay.

this life isn't easy.

my world is a mess.

but you were Here for a short while...

so it was blessed, nonetheless.

a.r.w.

Teetering

“Shall we?” Lord Death ushered me forward and closed the door tightly behind us, locking us away from the rest of the world. It was a realization that actually made me sigh in relief… something I never would have thought I could possibly do—find comfort in the idea of being alone with the god of death.

It was strange to think that just a short time ago, I had feared him so much--hated him even.

I would never say that I felt completely comfortable in his presence but, other than Jed, he was the only one in the Betwixt that I was slowly beginning to trust. He had proven himself time and time again since I had arrived here and he had shown me that he did actually have my best interest at heart.

It was something I had never anticipated in this place but as I looked around I suddenly found myself in the lap of luxury, eating, wearing, and living the very finest... far more than I ever had in life. And yet the fine food, beautiful room, elegant gowns, and even the kindness of Lord Death did not take away the longing I still felt in my chest—my deep seeded desire to return home.

It was this strange emotion. I felt that I needed to be home—that was where I belonged on earth in the land of the living surrounded by my family and friends for the next fifty or sixty years.

And yet, it had been some time—a year since Jed had passed away—since I had ever felt so alive!

It took being surrounded by the dead to make me feel more alive that I ever had in my entire life.

I was euphoric seeing my little brother alive, healthy, smiling, and whole once again despite the cost it came with—losing my own life and living out the remainder of my days as little more than a prisoner, separated from what I was intended to be.

My mind was like a see saw, teetering back and forth between feeling homesick and longing to go home to be with my parents and being perfectly content to remain here in the Betwixt, reunited with my little brother for the rest of time…

Not ever having to endure that grief and that indescribable feeling of loss anymore was like finally learning how to breathe again—I didn't want to give it up... which then made me question me sanity of wanting to remain here.

Needless to say, I was confused and I would not be solving any of my problems both real or imagined any time soon.

“A penny for your thoughts?”

I nearly jumped out of my skin from the sound of Lord Death’s voice being whispered in my ear and the tickle of his breath on my cheek.

Quickly running my hand through my hair, trying to rid myself of the shivers and goosebumps that were suddenly popping up all along my arms, I ended up laughing like a nervous little girl, “Oh,” I tried to assure him with little to no effect what so ever, “It is nothing. Nothing…”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I managed to get a bit of writing in today... still not nearly as far along as I'd like to be (just broke 30K) but I still have about a week to finish up which is my personal goal.

 

This piece of my NaNo story is very personal to me (if you couldn't tell with the very obvious tribute to my brother in the story). It's reflective, I guess. These are my thoughts if I was in Becks' situation. If I was reunited with my brother over There, I would feel conflicted. Thrilled beyond all belief or words (seriously, there are no words in existence that would be able to come close to describe how happy I would be) but also homesick for my parents, husband, family, and friends. It's that strange separation between Here and There, the world of the living and the world of the dead.

 

This was also loosely based off of a family friend and her message to us after she went to see a psychic. Apparently, there was a very tall young man, standing back and waiting patiently to talk. Finally waving to get the medium's attention, he said to tell his mom that he is happy and whole. Our friend didn't know what he meant (though she immediately knew it was Jed) but we instantly thought of how we had donated Jed's heart and lungs to his surgeon to study... to hopefully help future kids in Jed's shoes. It would be like Jed to patiently wait his turn and be nothing but smiles... I need to learn a lesson or two from that boy (still... I'm always trying to learn from him...).

 

a.r.w.

The Gift

When stars are born

 

They possess a gift or two…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

There is an old Serbian proverb that says, Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of stars. We are the very best of both worlds. Star dust makes up our very beings--star dust from millions and billions of years ago, connecting us to the very universe that surrounds. If that is not a magnificent thought, then I don't know what is.

 

Today's doodle was created from inspiration by a great number of different things throughout the day.

 

The first was listening to the music from the Disney firework show "Wishes" which starts with the very famous and oh so beloved saying, "When stars are born, they possess a gift or two... One of them is this: They have the power to make a wish come true." Immediately I thought to the precious brother I BEGGED my parents for. I wanted nothing more than to be a big sister... and my wish was granted with Jed. He has given me the greatest relationship I have ever seen between a brother and a sister, a lifetime of memories, years of laughter, and an incredible friend. I miss my brother--my star--every single day (today is one of those rough days if you can't tell...) but I am so grateful for him for making my wish come true and making my life so much brighter.

 

Another inspiration from today was a post I saw online that was between two stars talking to one another saying, "Being a human was the hardest thing I ever had to do." "Same here." My breath was taken away by that thought.  This is the hard part of life--the tears, the pain, the sickness--but that will make the joyful reunion and happy eternity over There all the sweeter. Jed has become that shining star once more, illuminating my world that has turned a bit too dark for my liking lately.

 

I think back to that beautiful quote from Star Wars: Luminous beings are we... not this crude matter. It seems to be a similar idea--across cultures--that once we make it through this part of life and travel from Here to There, life gets brighter... as do we...

 

From stars we came from and to stars we will return.

 

a.r.w.

∞

The 8th of every month will always be bittersweet for me and the rest of my family. Bitter because on April 8th, my little brother, Jed, traveled from Here to There and left us with confusion and broken hearts. Sweet because only four months later on August 8th, I married my best friend in my favorite corner of the world surrounded by my family. It's like Life wanted to show us just how it can be--one minute you are crying in pain and the next you are crying in joy.

Today is my first month wedding anniversary (yes we are celebrating with boxed wine, frozen pizza, and Lilo and Stitch... don't judge!) and five months since my brother left Here. Five long, excruciating months. It feels like a lifetime and that terrifies me--if only a few months feels like a torturous lifetime, how on earth am I supposed to endure the next 60 years (if I'm lucky)? Some say "time has gone by so fast" or "it feels like only yesterday." Those of us unfortunate enough to lose a loved one in a tragic sort of way (or any loved one for that matter) will tell you, no... it does not feel like yesterday. Each day is a lifetime, each day is a struggle... But you get through because you know your loved one would want you to.

So in celebration of this bittersweet day, here are two doodles and haikus for you--one is bitter and one is sweet just like the day.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

From the date, you can see I didn't create this today... This was back when I first started writing haikus to try and get through the stress of watching my brother go through cancer treatment and it has proved to be quite fruitful.

 

Love is a fickle, funny thing. In some ways it imprisons us. We are now bound to be with one person for the rest of our lives. We are not always free to roam the world or do exactly what we want all the time. It's about sacrifice and negotiation. Love binds us and makes us want to grow roots instead of wings... But love also sets us free. We are able to be ourselves with not a worry in the world. We have a place to call home and someone to share our experiences, fears, and dreams with. I love love. I love the man I am in love with. I love me. I love my life (most of the time). And I love this happy prison I have come to make into my happy home.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

I'll be honest (plus you can tell from the date), I did not create this today either but it so beautifully captures how I have chosen to cope with the tragically early death of my brother.

 

On May the Fourth [Be With You], I was watching Star Wars and in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is talking about the Force and life and at one point he says the words:

 

Luminous beings are we... Not this crude matter!

 

And it was like a light going off in my mind. I was so angry and bitter about Jed's death less than a month before. I felt as if he had been cheated (and in a way I still do) but these words somehow made the blow to my heart a bit more bearable. We are not just our bodies. It's like that quote from C.S. Lewis: You are not a body with a soul. You are a soul with a body. Jed was not his long, skinny, olive toned body that had once been so strong only to be ravaged by chemotherapy. Yes, his body was gone, but his spirit--that luminous aspect of who he is--was still here, surrounding us with his love. This shell that we bumble through this world in is just that--a shell. It is what moves that shell and makes it think and feel that matters. We are all luminous beings... Jed just realized his true form long before my parents or I could. Someone as kind and good as him would become luminous before me!

 

It is my hope that this haiku and the wisdom from Master Yoda comforts the hearts of anyone grieving someone they have lost. In the darkest part of my life, it was a light that reached out and saved me... even if just a little bit.

 

a.r.w.

 

 

P.S. For those of you disappointed that I didn't create anything today, here is a haiku I wrote walking home from work today where the dirt is just littered with beer bottles:

 

Shards of glass 'neath me

Like a path made of starlight

Wherever I go