Away

the day you went away

nothing could prepare me

for the day you went away.

i saw the writing on the wall

yet still begged you to stay.

"please don't leave me all alone.

don't make me journey on

through this life's endless hopes and fears

after you've already gone."

a battle was bravely fought

and won... and lost.

and in our deep heartbreak

into a new world we were forced to cross.

i stood all alone

in a sea of doubt.

if there was no hope to be had

what was this life all about?

i wandered through my days

suddenly lost and unfeeling,

not an end at all in sight.

no chance of ever healing.

i had lost my dear sweet brother--

my long lost forgotten half.

now the silenced shared laughter

in the old photograph.

so far away.

so lost and alone.

no one could save me.

my heart turned to stone.

i still look back

on the day you went away.

i call out, "why, god? why?"

but won't hear what he has to say.

i find my comfort

in the stars above.

though distant, their light still shines

just like our shared love.

i don't need solutions

or answers to why.

all i need to do

is look up to the sky.

"i am not gone,"

a voice whispers to me.

"i am everywhere now.

oh, why can't you see?

"even as the sun shines,

the stars are still there.

let their light remind you

how much i still care.

"so continue through life--

see what lies in store.

i'll be There waiting for you

when you walk through the door."

nothing could prepare me

for the day you went away.

but as i sit and close my eyes,

loud and clear, i hear you say,

"don't worry about me!

i promise i'm fine.

we'll be together again, i swear.

but while you wait in the meantime

"take the love i gave to you;

here's the gift that i bestow:

share my love with those around you.

stand back and watch it grow!

"this is all i have to give--

this is my gift to you.

i hope it makes you smile

and will help others, too."

a piece of my heart

followed you that day.

but it seems a piece of yours, too,

decided that it would stay.

this life isn't easy.

my world is a mess.

but you were Here for a short while...

so it was blessed, nonetheless.

a.r.w.

Waves

even though you're gone

we can still feel your touch Here

you're making waves, kid

*~*~*~*~*~*

As I was washing the dishes, I had a "what the f*** happened?" moment. I think back to my life a year ago--two years ago--and it feels like both another lifetime and just a moment ago. One minute Jed was Here and the next **clap** he was There (his words, not mine). It's just so strange to still be living, day to day, doing both mundane things like grocery shopping and extraordinary things like trips to Disney or hiking through the Himalayas, knowing that he will never do these things with me again... and somehow I'm supposed to keep on going as if that doesn't mess with my head immensely.

But then I saw an article written about Jed and the new sarcoma research being done at Roswell Cancer Institute. Because of him and the amazing amount of community support with Red for Jed, the doctors at Roswell decided to take a grant and put their efforts into researching and hopefully destroying sarcoma once and for all. I stand in awe of my little brother. Even six months after leaving Here, he is still impacting our community and the pediatric cancer community in such profound ways.

Nice work, dude... I'm so proud to be your sisso... Always and forever... To infinity and BEYOND!! 56 days... ;-)

a.r.w.

Sow

*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Six months. It seems impossible, but somehow I have managed to continue living six months after my baby brother breathed his last breath. There were moments and even days when I didn't want to... Why would I want to live another 50 years with this pain and grief--this massive hole in my heart that could never possible begin to be filled? But somehow, I've managed... Because I know Jed wants me to.

 

Again, I use the present tense for a very special reason--because Jed is still with me, trying to help me, guide me, and comfort me even though I can't see him. And he shows himself to me in signs (you can scoff if you want... But those who have gone through any kind of deep, painful loss will know that our loved ones never leave us alone and are always reaching out to us in little ways that prick our hearts).

 

When people think of Jed, they might think of the color red (Red for Jed) or balloons or even feathers. When I think of him, I instantly think of acorns.

 

When he was a little boy, we gave Jed an acorn to help him overcome his fear of going to school. Again, we gave him an acorn the night before his surgery to give him courage--because mighty oaks from tiny acorns grow. It gave him the courage to walk into surgery and it gave him courage through the next two days where he fought frantically for his life... and he died with that damned acorn clutched tightly in his hand... I still have it.

 

So for me, it's an acorn.

 

I've permanently put an acorn on my body, hidden behind my ear. My early love for Peter Pan and the "kiss" he gives to Wendy soon became painfully ironic when I got my own hidden kiss the day Jed and I were supposed to go and get tattoos together.

 

 

Wherever I go, I search for acorns. Is it a sign from Jed? Not necessarily. But the minute I see one, I think of him and in my thoughts, he is there with me and sometimes that is enough.

 

On my honeymoon and in Russia

 

But sometimes, I do think it is a sign... like today.

 

After a rough day (the 8th will always be hard), and just ten minutes after I had painted these three acorns in memory of Jed, I was walking back to work. As I was walking, something orange caught my eye. It was a plastic acorn lying on the sidewalk. I stopped, turned around, and went back to pick it up. To me, THAT was a message from Jed. I've walked back and forth along that path for almost a month and a half now and never have I seen anything other than broken bottles and cigarette butts. Here, six months (almost to the minute) after Jed's passing from Here to There, and just a few minutes after I painted these acorns, I happen to walk directly over this plastic orange (Jed's favorite color) acorn.

 

I'm not a real believer in "You reap what you sow." Jed sowed so much good and got screwed over in my not so humble opinion. But it got me thinking today...

An acorn is a seed that can be sowed to make a mighty oak. Jed was that acorn. He never did become that mighty oak (Life never even gave him the chance). But he sowed and sowed and sowed GOOD into people. And if you sow enough, soon you can bring in a bountiful harvest. I think the good that Jed sowed in his laughter, his kindness, his goofiness, and his epic determination and stamina will be the greatest harvest any of us will ever have the privilege to see. For years--as long as people think of Jed, say his name, and remember how he made them feel--that harvest will continue to come in and the forest of mighty oaks that he planted in each of our hearts will continue to spread and grow.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn."  Jed was that little acorn. And we are his forest.

a.r.w.

 

 



∞

The 8th of every month will always be bittersweet for me and the rest of my family. Bitter because on April 8th, my little brother, Jed, traveled from Here to There and left us with confusion and broken hearts. Sweet because only four months later on August 8th, I married my best friend in my favorite corner of the world surrounded by my family. It's like Life wanted to show us just how it can be--one minute you are crying in pain and the next you are crying in joy.

Today is my first month wedding anniversary (yes we are celebrating with boxed wine, frozen pizza, and Lilo and Stitch... don't judge!) and five months since my brother left Here. Five long, excruciating months. It feels like a lifetime and that terrifies me--if only a few months feels like a torturous lifetime, how on earth am I supposed to endure the next 60 years (if I'm lucky)? Some say "time has gone by so fast" or "it feels like only yesterday." Those of us unfortunate enough to lose a loved one in a tragic sort of way (or any loved one for that matter) will tell you, no... it does not feel like yesterday. Each day is a lifetime, each day is a struggle... But you get through because you know your loved one would want you to.

So in celebration of this bittersweet day, here are two doodles and haikus for you--one is bitter and one is sweet just like the day.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

From the date, you can see I didn't create this today... This was back when I first started writing haikus to try and get through the stress of watching my brother go through cancer treatment and it has proved to be quite fruitful.

 

Love is a fickle, funny thing. In some ways it imprisons us. We are now bound to be with one person for the rest of our lives. We are not always free to roam the world or do exactly what we want all the time. It's about sacrifice and negotiation. Love binds us and makes us want to grow roots instead of wings... But love also sets us free. We are able to be ourselves with not a worry in the world. We have a place to call home and someone to share our experiences, fears, and dreams with. I love love. I love the man I am in love with. I love me. I love my life (most of the time). And I love this happy prison I have come to make into my happy home.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

I'll be honest (plus you can tell from the date), I did not create this today either but it so beautifully captures how I have chosen to cope with the tragically early death of my brother.

 

On May the Fourth [Be With You], I was watching Star Wars and in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is talking about the Force and life and at one point he says the words:

 

Luminous beings are we... Not this crude matter!

 

And it was like a light going off in my mind. I was so angry and bitter about Jed's death less than a month before. I felt as if he had been cheated (and in a way I still do) but these words somehow made the blow to my heart a bit more bearable. We are not just our bodies. It's like that quote from C.S. Lewis: You are not a body with a soul. You are a soul with a body. Jed was not his long, skinny, olive toned body that had once been so strong only to be ravaged by chemotherapy. Yes, his body was gone, but his spirit--that luminous aspect of who he is--was still here, surrounding us with his love. This shell that we bumble through this world in is just that--a shell. It is what moves that shell and makes it think and feel that matters. We are all luminous beings... Jed just realized his true form long before my parents or I could. Someone as kind and good as him would become luminous before me!

 

It is my hope that this haiku and the wisdom from Master Yoda comforts the hearts of anyone grieving someone they have lost. In the darkest part of my life, it was a light that reached out and saved me... even if just a little bit.

 

a.r.w.

 

 

P.S. For those of you disappointed that I didn't create anything today, here is a haiku I wrote walking home from work today where the dirt is just littered with beer bottles:

 

Shards of glass 'neath me

Like a path made of starlight

Wherever I go

What He Found Out

His eyes fluttered open as he took in a raspy breath. It felt different, odd... as if the air he breathed could finally fill his entire body all the way down to his toes. It was powerful. Alive.

As he laid on his back, he tried to think to only a moment ago, on the other side of that last breath... but it was fuzzy. He could remember seeing his parents and his big sister standing in the hallway, crying, and the doctors gathered around him, shouting...

With a gasp, he pushed himself up, suddenly feeling panic rise up in his chest.

His chest.

Lifting his hand, he searched for a heartbeat and dropped his hand when he found nothing.

"Surprised?"

The voice cut through the boy's panicked silence, it's cool aloofness sending a chill down his spine.

Forcing himself to find any bit of courage inside of him, the boy turned to see who it was that was watching him.

Silhouetted in the deep blue glow of a doorway, a young man stood there, his arms clasped behind his back, donned in nothing but black. He was tall and lean, his jet black hair pulled away from his face to reveal a pair of ice blue eyes that continued to watch the boy, curiously.

"Who are you?"

The man's lips twitched at the boy's question.

Taking a step forward, he simply offered, "You may call me Lord Death."

"Death?" The boy's eyes grew wide at the sound of the word.

Lord Death glanced down at the boy, the corner of his mouth almost lifting up into a smile. "I'll repeat my first question--are you surprised?"

"But," the boy stumbled over his thoughts, trying desperately to understand what was happening. "But this wasn't--"

"Supposed to happen?" Death finished his thought for him. "You'd be surprised with how many people say that."

The boy wasn't listening to the dark man standing before him; he was looking around, desperately searching for something--the truth... or perhaps an escape.

"I was supposed to make it," he muttered to himself. "The doctor said I was going to be okay." His thoughts came to him faster than he could say them. "I wanted to be a dad... I wanted to grow old."

Lord Death scoffed at his words. "Growing old is vastly overrated, my boy."

After a moment of watching the young boy continue to panic, Lord Death took him by his shoulders and forced him to listen. "See here, boy. It is not the length of your life that counts, but the depth."

"What?" The boy tried desperately to let the man's words anchor him to the here and now... only, he didn't know where "here" was.

"I have watched you live and grow all these years and I can assure you that you have lived a full life."

"But I'm only nineteen!"

"And in just nineteen years, you managed to do more than most ninety year old men I welcome here."

Seeing the boy had calmed down a bit, Death released him and took a step back. "You've lived not a long life but a deep one." He paused for a moment before adding, "And that is far more meaningful."

The boy remained silent, his thoughts a mystery to the lord for only a moment.

"What about my family?" His words surprised Death. "My sister?"

Lord Death smiled at the boy's concern. "They will be just fine," he assured. "And when it is their turn to come here, we can meet them together."

"How long will that be?" 

There was something in Lord Death's smile that he didn't particularly like--didn't trust--but he forced himself to forget his doubts. At the moment, Lord Death was the only person he had in this place and the man had given him no reason to fear him or his words.

"Sadly," Death declared, "I cannot tell you that right now. But, I promise, it will be within the blink of an eye for you. For you see," he leaned in to whisper, "we are not trapped by the human's idea of time here."

Here.

From his first breath he had known that there was something special about this place... and "this place" was certainly nothing like he had ever known.

His eyes were slowly beginning to adjust to the world around him--it was no longer complete darkness. He was beginning to see the hint of shadows and the dim glow of lights in the distance.

Turning to look back to Lord Death, he asked nervously, "Where exactly is 'here'?"

The man threw his head back and laughed. "So sorry, my boy!" Putting his arm around the boy's shoulders, Lord Death smiled down at him through the darkness and confirmed the boy's thoughts and fears with a nonchalant smile. "This is the World of the Dead... Welcome to the Betwixt."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I do daily writing prompts in the fall to get me prepped for NaNoWriMo and today's was "What he found out."

 

I've found that a lot of my writing, whether it is a haiku or a short story have to do with death and dying and what comes Next. I'm currently working on a big writing project about the world of the Betwixt and what happens when a living human girl arrives in the world of the dead. The story focuses on her and her relationship with Lord Death but there is another character in this story that is very near and dear to my heart. Jed is a character in this story, our main character's little brother and Lord Death's second in command (he was given that position because of how full his life was when he died). This is a snippet that doesn't happen in the storyline but I wanted to share with you "what he found out" the moment he arrived in the Betwixt.

 

It's the quality of life, not the quantity. It's the depth, not the length.

 

a.r.w.

Feathers

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

There are several things in life that still make me think of Jed (my little brother). Acorns are the first thing. And then red balloons. And also feathers.

 

I've always known that there are very special people in this world who might be more in tune with things around them--both seen and unseen. I am lucky enough to have several people such as this in my life--each of them have sought me and my family out to tell us of their experiences they have had with Jed since he journeyed from Here to There. One of them in particular gave our family a message from Jed that seemed a bit out of the ordinary. Aside from him calming our fears about his final moments Here, he also told us to look for him in feathers.

 

I honestly had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Acorns? Yes! Balloons? Sure! But feathers? I just couldn't connect the dots... but sometimes things don't need to make sense to have them touch our hearts.

 

Shortly after that initial message of "Look for me in feathers," my dad and I spotted a feather float down over Tonawanda High School's graduating class of 2015 where we were presenting a scholarship in Jed's honor. My cousin found a feather on the conveyer belt where she worked at Fed Ex. I found a feather at Prince Charming's Carousel in the Magic Kingdom just after the fireworks on my honeymoon. And my first day in my new apartment here in Siberia, there was a little feather in my kitchen, just sitting on my windowsill, welcoming me to my new home.

 

You can believe what you want, but the feathers do not lie... and each time I see one whether it's exactly where it belongs--out in the open beneath a bird's nest--or surprisingly not where it belongs--like on a conveyer belt in Fed Ex--I think of my brother fondly and I know that he is nearby, letting me know that he is okay and he wants me to be happy.

 

I choose to believe that Jed is a strong spirit, constantly reaching out from There, inspiring me, watching out for me, and making sure to never let me forget that even though I can't physically see him right now, he is still right here, waiting to see me smile when my eyes fall on a feather.

 

 

a.r.w.