Tears

i think of you and

my tears start watering the

flowers of my soul

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

At least that's what I tell myself on days like this... Definitely my hardest day since arriving in Russia and I am ready to head home where I know my tears and grief can begin to be understood.

 

a.r.w.

Drunken Dreams

drunken dreams have i

just to see your face again,

is that what it takes?

*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Last night I had my first dream about Jed since I got married. Before then, I didn't have them too often but often enough to help me through the days, weeks, and months that passed after April 8th. I could tell the difference between regular dreams and visits where I know Jed sought me out to talk to me and spend time with me. But after I got married, not once did I see, hear, or feel Jed in any of my dreams.

 

Until last night.

 

It was short and he was there for only a moment. Piff the Magic Dragon (yes, from America's Got Talent) was doing a show for us and Jed was sitting in a chair beside me, his bald head covered in his blue knit cap I bought him (that's almost always how I see him). All I did was look over at him and ask him, "You really liked him, didn't you?" It was short and sweet and all I needed.

 

I started thinking why it was that I dreamt of Jed last night after all these weeks. What changed? What happened? I don't think it was a visit, just a regular dream where I got to see his face once more. After I thought about it, I came to the realization that I went to bed a bit tipsy last night (it was our teacher's day celebration at work and we had wine, laser tag, Georgian food, and more wine).

 

After Jed's death, I spent the next four months in a drunken haze. Not a day went by that I didn't drink alcohol at one point and many times I would polish off a bottle or two a night by myself. I'm not proud of that fact, but it helped to numb the pain a bit and at that point I didn't care what would be considered right or wrong... all I cared about was getting myself through the day. And in those drunken days, I dreamt of my brother so much more than my sober moments.

 

I'm not saying I'll return to my days of drinking heavily (at least not on a regular basis) but I do miss my dreams with my baby bro bro... so it was nice to have a quick chance to see his face again... even if it was just in my dreams...

 

a.r.w.

Beautiful

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I like to think of the Earth as a phoenix at this time of year. Everything bursts into a colorful, beautiful blaze just before it dies... much like the phoenix bursts into flames before being reborn from the ashes.

 

Autumn shows me that death is not quite as scary as we sometimes think it is. It shows me that there can be such a thing as a beautiful death. Death is not a glamorous thing. It is messy, scary, and traumatizing to witness. At the very surface of it all, beautiful seems like the very last thing it would be.

 

I think what makes death beautiful is when someone's life is beautiful. My brother's death was not a beautiful, peaceful, "slip away" sort of death. As my mom says, "He went out swinging." I would not consider Jed's death to be beautiful... but goodness gracious his life was a  masterpiece. He lived life with such a fire and his desire to live life to the fullest, all the way to the very end, is both admirable and beautiful.

 

What Jed's death showed me was that death has the potential to be beautiful but what's even more beautiful is the life you lived and how you live on even after death in the hearts and minds of those that you managed to touch while on this planet. 

 

I'm always dazzled by this time of year--a beautiful transition from life to death. And while I, too, am in a transitional phase in my life, this season is taking on a whole new meaning for me. It's a beautiful time of year and it shows me that beauty can be found in the most unlikely of places--such as loss, tragedy, and even death.

I was playing with my watercolors and decided to try something from kindergarten. These are trees made from blowing air through a straw. I love how they turned out! Each one is unique! Give it a try--it's super easy and fun.

Only 28 days until Halloween!

a.r.w.

Faces

*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Do you ever feel like you have to bury your true feelings and wear a mask? Don't lie. All of us have had those days... We just want to burst into tears or scream at the top of our lungs but instead we smile and say, "I'm fine," because it's just easier. We never really want to have to explain ourselves... Sometimes we just want someone to accept our insanity, our bitterness, and darkness... So in those precious moments, they are also there to experience our joy.

 

I've felt like I am wearing a mask for a long time now. Some days I can take it off for a bit but most days I put a smile on my face, put my head down, and march my way through the day just hoping that I can make it back to my bed safe and sound where I can forget about feelings and faces and reality for a few hours. I've never really felt this way before and, in all honesty, it does scare me a little bit. My smile never used to be a façade, my positivity and optimism was not forced... but lately, it has been. Where life used to bring me happiness, I now tend to feel only bitterness.

 

I hope to one day wear that smile again and not force it to be there. Don't get me wrong! There are moments when I am genuinely happy and the smile is not a farce, but more often than not, that smile is hiding a tear or a scream... and sometimes it's hiding even nothingness.

 

a.r.w.

One Day

everything dies

winds die down and stars burn out

one day i'll join you

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Apologies for having such a short post and one that wasn't written today (but after the super long post from a few days ago, I'm sure you're all thrilled for this shortie!). My schedule was a bit hectic today and I'm only just getting home now. So I opened up my book of collected haikus and found this one that I wrote while on a plane (probably flying to Disney).

 

I never used to be afraid of flying... but now, things that once brought me so much joy, bring such fear. Suddenly, I am painfully aware of just how mortal I am. In some ways I'm more fearless because I no longer fear death (for what a wonderful reunion with my baby bro-bro that will be!) but in other ways I am more fearful because I see just how quickly life can end. And I love life. I don't want it to end. At least not yet.

 

But as I criticized myself for this sudden fear of death, this idea came into my mind. Literally, everything on this planet dies--the wind, the stars, trees, bumble bees, everything. And yet, humans are the only thing that actually, actively thinks about death and dying. We mourn the loss of a loved one, we try to protect ourselves from diseases, accidents, and untimely deaths. We are so focused on worrying about our deaths that sometimes we forget to live our lives... and I am just as guilty.

 

If you actually stop to think how connected everything is in this universe--connected through birth, life, and death--then perhaps death won't be quite as scary... it connects us to the universe's past, present, and future... and I think that's pretty wonderful.

 

a.r.w.

∞

The 8th of every month will always be bittersweet for me and the rest of my family. Bitter because on April 8th, my little brother, Jed, traveled from Here to There and left us with confusion and broken hearts. Sweet because only four months later on August 8th, I married my best friend in my favorite corner of the world surrounded by my family. It's like Life wanted to show us just how it can be--one minute you are crying in pain and the next you are crying in joy.

Today is my first month wedding anniversary (yes we are celebrating with boxed wine, frozen pizza, and Lilo and Stitch... don't judge!) and five months since my brother left Here. Five long, excruciating months. It feels like a lifetime and that terrifies me--if only a few months feels like a torturous lifetime, how on earth am I supposed to endure the next 60 years (if I'm lucky)? Some say "time has gone by so fast" or "it feels like only yesterday." Those of us unfortunate enough to lose a loved one in a tragic sort of way (or any loved one for that matter) will tell you, no... it does not feel like yesterday. Each day is a lifetime, each day is a struggle... But you get through because you know your loved one would want you to.

So in celebration of this bittersweet day, here are two doodles and haikus for you--one is bitter and one is sweet just like the day.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

From the date, you can see I didn't create this today... This was back when I first started writing haikus to try and get through the stress of watching my brother go through cancer treatment and it has proved to be quite fruitful.

 

Love is a fickle, funny thing. In some ways it imprisons us. We are now bound to be with one person for the rest of our lives. We are not always free to roam the world or do exactly what we want all the time. It's about sacrifice and negotiation. Love binds us and makes us want to grow roots instead of wings... But love also sets us free. We are able to be ourselves with not a worry in the world. We have a place to call home and someone to share our experiences, fears, and dreams with. I love love. I love the man I am in love with. I love me. I love my life (most of the time). And I love this happy prison I have come to make into my happy home.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

I'll be honest (plus you can tell from the date), I did not create this today either but it so beautifully captures how I have chosen to cope with the tragically early death of my brother.

 

On May the Fourth [Be With You], I was watching Star Wars and in The Empire Strikes Back, Yoda is talking about the Force and life and at one point he says the words:

 

Luminous beings are we... Not this crude matter!

 

And it was like a light going off in my mind. I was so angry and bitter about Jed's death less than a month before. I felt as if he had been cheated (and in a way I still do) but these words somehow made the blow to my heart a bit more bearable. We are not just our bodies. It's like that quote from C.S. Lewis: You are not a body with a soul. You are a soul with a body. Jed was not his long, skinny, olive toned body that had once been so strong only to be ravaged by chemotherapy. Yes, his body was gone, but his spirit--that luminous aspect of who he is--was still here, surrounding us with his love. This shell that we bumble through this world in is just that--a shell. It is what moves that shell and makes it think and feel that matters. We are all luminous beings... Jed just realized his true form long before my parents or I could. Someone as kind and good as him would become luminous before me!

 

It is my hope that this haiku and the wisdom from Master Yoda comforts the hearts of anyone grieving someone they have lost. In the darkest part of my life, it was a light that reached out and saved me... even if just a little bit.

 

a.r.w.

 

 

P.S. For those of you disappointed that I didn't create anything today, here is a haiku I wrote walking home from work today where the dirt is just littered with beer bottles:

 

Shards of glass 'neath me

Like a path made of starlight

Wherever I go

Ghost

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

I suppose I should warn you now: I tend to like the macabre. All my life, I've been obsessed with Halloween, anything spooky, and the paranormal/supernatural. Despite my overly peppy and optimistic personality that I choose to show to other people, inside I have bats flying in my soul, black cats hopping from rib to rib, and a full moon hangs where my heart should be. Since the death of my brother, my obsession with the macabre and morbid is on overdrive. So if you get tired of the dark/spooky/weird posts, just look at it as me prepping you for Halloween (because it is NEVER too early!).

 

Once again, I found inspiration while I was walking through Novosibirsk yesterday. I was walking with a coworker and we were exchanging book titles that we were currently reading. Mine was less than impressive (Cress from The Lunar Chronicles), hers was a book called Ghost. My mind immediately jumped to the upcoming (or current, depending on who you are) Halloween season and I asked her if it was a horror story. She laughed and said no... it's a philosophical book about life and love. That made me pause and think about love and just how finite life is on this Earth.

 

Physically, my brother, Jed, is no longer here on Earth with us. He is dead. Some might even choose to say that he is "gone" (I politely disagree). But if anyone sat through elementary physics, then you would know the law of conservation of energy: energy can be neither created nor destroyed. However, energy can change forms, and energy can flow from one place to another.

 

My love for my brother was a mighty powerful thing. Even though he is no longer physically here with me, that doesn't mean my love for him disappeared. And that goes both ways: his love for me was just as powerful and that doesn't just disappear when he disappears from sight. His soul, his spirit, and his love continue on... just in a different form, flowing from one place to another.

 

Love is such an integral part of our very beings, I believe it has a hand in crafting our souls. When our hearts cease beating and we breathe our last breath, the energy within our souls is emitted into the universe, flowing around us... and that includes our love for one another.

 

I choose to believe that Jed is still around me in a form that my pathetic human eyes can't see, flowing around me, surrounding me with his love that can never and will never die.

 

And I just love ghosts, don't you? I see them as just so tragic and yet so intriguing. Some of them continue to live out parts of their lives over and over again (maybe that is Hell?), others follow their loved ones, waiting for them. They all have a story to tell... and just imagine those stories! Just think about sitting down with a ghost from 400 years ago. Not only can they tell you tales of the life they lived but then they can tell you everything they have witnessed in the time since... It's as if they are blessed with living a multitude of lives, experiencing different people, places, and phenomena (maybe that is Heaven?).

 

Anyway! This has gotten quite philosophical, hasn't it? Here is a little doodle of me as a ghost, keeping my love for my husband, my parents, my brother, my family and friends alive forever. Plus I love that font!

 

a.r.w. 

What He Found Out

His eyes fluttered open as he took in a raspy breath. It felt different, odd... as if the air he breathed could finally fill his entire body all the way down to his toes. It was powerful. Alive.

As he laid on his back, he tried to think to only a moment ago, on the other side of that last breath... but it was fuzzy. He could remember seeing his parents and his big sister standing in the hallway, crying, and the doctors gathered around him, shouting...

With a gasp, he pushed himself up, suddenly feeling panic rise up in his chest.

His chest.

Lifting his hand, he searched for a heartbeat and dropped his hand when he found nothing.

"Surprised?"

The voice cut through the boy's panicked silence, it's cool aloofness sending a chill down his spine.

Forcing himself to find any bit of courage inside of him, the boy turned to see who it was that was watching him.

Silhouetted in the deep blue glow of a doorway, a young man stood there, his arms clasped behind his back, donned in nothing but black. He was tall and lean, his jet black hair pulled away from his face to reveal a pair of ice blue eyes that continued to watch the boy, curiously.

"Who are you?"

The man's lips twitched at the boy's question.

Taking a step forward, he simply offered, "You may call me Lord Death."

"Death?" The boy's eyes grew wide at the sound of the word.

Lord Death glanced down at the boy, the corner of his mouth almost lifting up into a smile. "I'll repeat my first question--are you surprised?"

"But," the boy stumbled over his thoughts, trying desperately to understand what was happening. "But this wasn't--"

"Supposed to happen?" Death finished his thought for him. "You'd be surprised with how many people say that."

The boy wasn't listening to the dark man standing before him; he was looking around, desperately searching for something--the truth... or perhaps an escape.

"I was supposed to make it," he muttered to himself. "The doctor said I was going to be okay." His thoughts came to him faster than he could say them. "I wanted to be a dad... I wanted to grow old."

Lord Death scoffed at his words. "Growing old is vastly overrated, my boy."

After a moment of watching the young boy continue to panic, Lord Death took him by his shoulders and forced him to listen. "See here, boy. It is not the length of your life that counts, but the depth."

"What?" The boy tried desperately to let the man's words anchor him to the here and now... only, he didn't know where "here" was.

"I have watched you live and grow all these years and I can assure you that you have lived a full life."

"But I'm only nineteen!"

"And in just nineteen years, you managed to do more than most ninety year old men I welcome here."

Seeing the boy had calmed down a bit, Death released him and took a step back. "You've lived not a long life but a deep one." He paused for a moment before adding, "And that is far more meaningful."

The boy remained silent, his thoughts a mystery to the lord for only a moment.

"What about my family?" His words surprised Death. "My sister?"

Lord Death smiled at the boy's concern. "They will be just fine," he assured. "And when it is their turn to come here, we can meet them together."

"How long will that be?" 

There was something in Lord Death's smile that he didn't particularly like--didn't trust--but he forced himself to forget his doubts. At the moment, Lord Death was the only person he had in this place and the man had given him no reason to fear him or his words.

"Sadly," Death declared, "I cannot tell you that right now. But, I promise, it will be within the blink of an eye for you. For you see," he leaned in to whisper, "we are not trapped by the human's idea of time here."

Here.

From his first breath he had known that there was something special about this place... and "this place" was certainly nothing like he had ever known.

His eyes were slowly beginning to adjust to the world around him--it was no longer complete darkness. He was beginning to see the hint of shadows and the dim glow of lights in the distance.

Turning to look back to Lord Death, he asked nervously, "Where exactly is 'here'?"

The man threw his head back and laughed. "So sorry, my boy!" Putting his arm around the boy's shoulders, Lord Death smiled down at him through the darkness and confirmed the boy's thoughts and fears with a nonchalant smile. "This is the World of the Dead... Welcome to the Betwixt."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I do daily writing prompts in the fall to get me prepped for NaNoWriMo and today's was "What he found out."

 

I've found that a lot of my writing, whether it is a haiku or a short story have to do with death and dying and what comes Next. I'm currently working on a big writing project about the world of the Betwixt and what happens when a living human girl arrives in the world of the dead. The story focuses on her and her relationship with Lord Death but there is another character in this story that is very near and dear to my heart. Jed is a character in this story, our main character's little brother and Lord Death's second in command (he was given that position because of how full his life was when he died). This is a snippet that doesn't happen in the storyline but I wanted to share with you "what he found out" the moment he arrived in the Betwixt.

 

It's the quality of life, not the quantity. It's the depth, not the length.

 

a.r.w.

Feathers

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

There are several things in life that still make me think of Jed (my little brother). Acorns are the first thing. And then red balloons. And also feathers.

 

I've always known that there are very special people in this world who might be more in tune with things around them--both seen and unseen. I am lucky enough to have several people such as this in my life--each of them have sought me and my family out to tell us of their experiences they have had with Jed since he journeyed from Here to There. One of them in particular gave our family a message from Jed that seemed a bit out of the ordinary. Aside from him calming our fears about his final moments Here, he also told us to look for him in feathers.

 

I honestly had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Acorns? Yes! Balloons? Sure! But feathers? I just couldn't connect the dots... but sometimes things don't need to make sense to have them touch our hearts.

 

Shortly after that initial message of "Look for me in feathers," my dad and I spotted a feather float down over Tonawanda High School's graduating class of 2015 where we were presenting a scholarship in Jed's honor. My cousin found a feather on the conveyer belt where she worked at Fed Ex. I found a feather at Prince Charming's Carousel in the Magic Kingdom just after the fireworks on my honeymoon. And my first day in my new apartment here in Siberia, there was a little feather in my kitchen, just sitting on my windowsill, welcoming me to my new home.

 

You can believe what you want, but the feathers do not lie... and each time I see one whether it's exactly where it belongs--out in the open beneath a bird's nest--or surprisingly not where it belongs--like on a conveyer belt in Fed Ex--I think of my brother fondly and I know that he is nearby, letting me know that he is okay and he wants me to be happy.

 

I choose to believe that Jed is a strong spirit, constantly reaching out from There, inspiring me, watching out for me, and making sure to never let me forget that even though I can't physically see him right now, he is still right here, waiting to see me smile when my eyes fall on a feather.

 

 

a.r.w.