Shine

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

*GASP!*

 

What do you mean Amanda didn't draw the face of a girl? What is this world coming to? What's that outside your window? Did a pig just fly by? It must be the end of days!

 

I drew a picture of me and Adam (yes, this is supposed to be my husband) but I thought he looked way better than I did, so you only get to see his side of the doodle.

 

This is one of my favorite quotes from Roald Dahl from my favorite of his books The Twits. At the very beginning of his book he says, "A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose or a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

 

I remember reading that line as a child and wanting desperately to attain that shine that Mr. Dahl spoke of. For most of my life I made it my mission to be happy, kind to others, and always look on the bright side.

 

Since Jed's passing from Here to There, it's been a lot harder to have good thoughts. I fear that my shine slowly began to fade, shrouded by the sadness and depression I was (and, let's be honest, still am) feeling.

 

It's been up to Adam to keep the good thoughts going. He has been the one to pick me up each time I slip into the darkness, whether he brings home flowers, cooks dinner, makes me laugh, or buys me a new writing desk (EEEEE!!!!!). He's definitely picked up the slack in thinking good thoughts and being happy... because he's doing it for two of us right now.

 

Luckily, sometimes, his good thoughts are so strong and he shines so bright, it makes me smile and shine too. It's been slow, but I am trying to think good thoughts more and more and maybe one day (not so far away), I will shine again.

 

a.r.w.

 

PS: It's now officially fall! Pumpkin spice EVERYTHING.

 

PPS: The only thing better than a beard is a beard made of flowers.

PPPS: I like to throw coffee at my paper. I call it freckled paper! Because nothing in life is perfect--not even white paper. 

Nevermore

I've never met your love, Lenor

But I have my own lost soul I search for

And when I ask the raven for more

He looks at me and says the same as before

Nothing less and nothing more

Than just, "Nevermore."

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

I admit, I only just recently read Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven and I found that I really and truly loved it. There is that great gothic, creepy, old world feel to his stories and poetry and The Raven I think is the epitome of his creepy, gothic work.

 

As I was looking at my upcoming writing prompts, I saw "nevermore" weeks in advance and I was so excited. But the closer the day got, the less I was inspired to write something to do with "nevermore" and more inspired to draw (yet again, the face of a girl). I think I tend to have a very distinct style (stained glass hair, big, bushy eye-lashed eyes) and I tried to break away from that at least for today. I've learned that profiles are hard and I desperately need to learn how to draw hair not purple, pink, or blue. However, I still love my doodle girl wearing her raven crown. Perhaps she grew tired of hearing the word "Nevermore" repeated over and over again and this was her revenge against the raven.

 

The Raven is a very interesting story about loss and coping with the death of a loved one. In the poem (spoiler alert), our narrator descends into madness after his lover, Lenor, dies. Having experienced a great loss, I can see just how easy it is to lose yourself to madness... because sometimes that seems easier to cope with than reality.

 

I feel like you have a choice to make when faced with death and grief--you can go down one of two roads. You can either choose to protect yourself: you place your memories, your heartache, and that painful loss in a box and you place in on your shelf and force yourself to forget. You're able to continue on, painlessly, pretending that nothing is wrong, and you are able to heal more fully. Or, you continue to feel, you continue to mourn, and you live in constant pain. You choose to remember and, in a way, through your suffering, your loved one is able to continue on existing in your life and mind.

 

At first, I thought you had to make this decision and you could never go back, you could never change, and the two choices could not connect with one another. But I was wrong.

 

Some days--some moments--you are able to bottle up your thoughts and feelings; there are a few moments throughout the day where I am actually able to forget just how messed up my life is, forget about the gaping hole in my life and my heart, forget that I am grieving. But then, I recall... and it makes the pain all the more unbearable. And you decide, it's better to live in constant numbing pain than to force yourself to pretend that nothing ever happened.

 

I choose to grieve because grief is very much real and is the result of a deep love.

 

And, in a way, we are all walking down the same road--we all experience loss, pain, and grief at some point in our lives--and together, we can help carry each other's burdens, wipe away tears, and make the journey down this road a bit brighter.

 

And remember: we are not alone in our grief... We are surrounded by loss, life, and above all, love... Forevermore.

 

a.r.w.